Immi

Ask Alice.

You said, the cinders are falling like snow. There is poetry in despair and we sang with unrivaled beauty. Bitter elegies of savagery, of blue and grey..- Davey Havok.
Who knows, maybe I'm afraid of falling asleep. I don't feel it though, I just can't stop my mind from racing. Random lyrics pop into my head, makes me feel tired. My head hurts, too much thinking. I listen to Davey sing, I take comfort in his angelic voice. Words unspoken speak to me, hidden between the lines. He's haunted just like us, our ghosts rippling just beneath the surface of our souls. No angels here, just us chickens with crazies for mothers. Piano strains can be heard in the distance. They get farther and farther away, as the dawn approaches. I have so many thoughts going through my head when I lay down. Maybe I should start carrying around a notebook and write them down so they don't bounce around all day, gaining momentum until they get released when my walls come down. Sigh, tension headaches are no good, have a feeling I'll be up till dawn again. Sometimes I don't like myself, of the things that float in my head, things I'll never tell another soul. Well, maybe not today. I forget right after, but it's still with me. Watching me, waiting until I get weak. I thought that it would end but looks can be decieving. Leave a coin on my eyelids and let me pass peacefully. Here we go again, who are you? I'm out of my mind. Hope this makes sense to SOMEBODY. It's a little confusing to me, and I said it. Why do people in glass houses still throw their stones? Does it feel good? Where's the Advil? Do you think people will still be around when the see the darker side of you? They say they will but.. look at this. You never know. I don't like not knowing but I don't want to know either. You can't have your cake and eat it too. I don't think I know who the real me is. I've changed, I can see that. I want to know now, what I'll know later. It'll save me some time and heartache. But that's all life is, isn't it? Making mistakes one after another, not stopping until you die and then it's off to another life to do the same. Good thing most of us don't remember our past lives. If we did, we'd all go nuts remembering all the bad stuff we did. Unless you have no heart. Then you won't care. If you go chase rabbits, be aware that you'll find what you don't want to know. And you can't give it back. Bag of lazy bones, get up! I always cry alone.

Reality, you suck.

A: I recently discovered I don't like NOT working. I've only worked at my new job for two days, and yes.. it is tiring and yes, my feet did kill after the day. But, I'm going crazy NOT working. And I don't know what I'm going to do after Sunday because that's the last day for my hostess job, so maybe I'll just call in tomorrow morning and see if there is anything for me to do in between this job and my next job that I have lined up. B: I want a car of my own so badly, that when I think of it I want to cry because it seems so far away. But, I figure that if I keep up on this, work as much and as often that I can. Then I'll be able to afford to put a down payment on if not pay for it completely, my dream car. Let's get a visual shall we?
Nice huh? Well, I can't wait for the day that I can have my own car. Exciting. But, I feel a bit melancholy now. I seem to have some odd dreams when I listen to a few specific songs at night. For instance, when I listen to Epiphany by Staind.. as I did last night, I have terrible nightmares about my twin dying in a car crash and then I go absolutely nuts, and I wake up with tears streaming down my face. I dont have a twin!! And that's only one song too, there are others that do it as well. Wonder what that's all about? I dont think I want to go to school this year either. I'm not sure what I want to do. I think that maybe since I have so many conflicts going on inside my head, that maybe it's why I feel like crap. Like, I dont know what to do, I feel happy about one thing but then I think about another thing like school and work and then it just brings me down. Not too bad but ya know, it's not fun. *sigh* I need a cookie. A big fat one. BTW, that cookie recipe you gave me is really good. I made some tonight, and it tastes really good.

So far away.

What I wouldnt give, just to have you there again.
I know, that I'm not the same person.
Distracted, tears falling within my heart.
Taken my friendships for granted, I know that I cant take back those silent days.
What I wouldnt give to see you again, to hear the laughter in your voice.
But those days are over, I regret my mistakes that I've made.
Can I say I'm sorry?
Days go by now, the hourglass spilling it's sand bit by bit.
Was I just too far away?
All those times you tried, when you needed me most but I just turned my back.
I know, I took it for granted. I thought things would always stay the same.
Walking out on familiar faces, searching for some answers.
I know I said I'd be there, but I guess I lied.
Can I say I'm sorry?
Was I too guarded, or just too far away?

Things that I want to do

These are some of the things that I want to do, in no particular order.

1. Go to a concert for the first time, maybe see Fall Out Boy live.
2. Get my belly button pierced.
3. Have my own apartment.
4. Go to a comedy club.
5. Look at the stars through a telescope.
6. Go on a roadtrip.
7. Go to Colorado and play in the snow.
8. Climb to the top of a lighthouse at sunset and scream at the top of my lungs.
9. Get married.
10. Go back to school and figure out what I'm gonna do with my life.
11. Get a car.
12. Let go of my fears... and dance in the apartment like nobody is looking.

I've got more of these that I want to be able to do. But I'll add more as I go.

Crash, the pieces fall in a downward spiral.
Spirit wilting like a damaged flower, shoulders fall weak under the weight.
Feel the air charged with energy, take hold of the lightning.
World falling apart once again, grab a branch and hold on for life.
Dance as if you aren't alone, smile like it doesnt hurt.
Take it in, break the chains, you're in charge now.
Throw your self pity away, becoming stronger.
Theres a time to surrender and a time to fight.
Together we stand, united in our solitude.
We forge on, against the inner turmoil that seems to ensue.
Keep your head up, dont look down.
Pay no heed to the snapping at your heels, keep a steady pace.



I was thinking about how the time has flown by. Seems that I've been devoting pretty much all my time on my sister and her life, taking care of my niece. And I've neglected to take care of myself, of my needs and wants. I know that the world wont fall at my feet if I'm not there to keep it together, but I cant seem to help it. It's like I LIKE taking care of her. In a way I guess it's true, but I've just got to keep telling myself that this isnt all there is. I'm going to get out of here, I'm going to have fun.. but only when I'm ready. Yeah, I am almost 20 but I just have to stop being scared, take a deep breath and plunge into the waters called life. It's a VERY daunting thought, having to take care of myself ALL ON MY OWN, but it's something that I need to do. Only then will I be able to call myself an adult. Like I just said, I've got to keep my eyes fixed ahead and keep moving even if I'm only moving by inches. Things dont happen overnight. But, I AM going to do that weight loss thing that my sister was selling. I'm going to try it for a week starting tomorrow, and if it goes well.. well then I'll have succeeded something huh? I'm going to have to get some motivational music or something to put on my iPod. Oh my, I'm sooo obsessed with music, I HAVE to find new music once a day, it's like my life. The feeling that I get when I hear a good song.. it's indescribable, but it's almost like a drug to me. Nice, huh?

*Twinkle, twinkle little star how I wonder where you are.

Up above the stars so bright, like a diamond in the sky

Twinkle, twinkle little star, how I wonder where you are.*

I wish my niece would eat meat. It's driving me nuts.

I wish that I had my own place so I wouldnt have to worry about those who dont like my music.

I wish I had a job.