I havent been able to write much lately. It's like everytime I put my fingers on the keyboard, something blocks me.
I've got lots of things to say, that I need to say. But I just catn seem to get it out. You know?
It's the same thing as it always is. Depression, being stuck here while everybody else is out having fun.
It's not exactly fun to have a Ms. Gloom and Doom hanging around. That's what I've become. It's weird, I was always saying how this one person is always so bleak and negative.
And here I am doing the same thing. Maybe that's why I go away for a bit somtimes.
I dont want anybody to have to deal with that. Especially from me.
I had two of my sisters worried about me because they hadnt heard from me, I actually didnt mean to avoid them.
I keep losing my phon. I realize writing that, it sounds pretty lame. And I dont blame you if you dont believe me because I always say that.
Truth be told, I dont really love to talk on the phone all that much. I mean sure, it's great for keeping intouch with people you dont see all the time.
But I think that I would only willingly answer the phone if it were one of my sisters.
I love talking to them. My oldest sister never fails to amuse me or make me laugh with something her kids did or she did.
Hidden food anyone? And she reminds me of a lot of things I might have forgotten, like she told me about this one song that I used to come home and sing to her.
It was a song I learned in headstart. It's funny when you find out new things about yourself or that you had put away.
I mean, it's not spectacular in anyway. I didnt cure cancer. But it's nice to know that people remember the smallest things, and that means the most.
Sigh. The typer thing is blinking at me. I've been thinking of new subject to paint. I'm pretty excited about it actually. I wont spoilthefinishedproductbytelling you what it'll look like but. It has meaning to me.
Odd how you feel like the world is crashing down on you one minute but when you take a moment to relfect and clear your head.
It just seems so trivial afterward. But that's life. It's the ups and downs, the memories. The good and the bad. I'm learning that.
I've got along way to go because I'm just starting out. I've got years and years to go. Lots of mistakes and good memories to me made.
I'm excited for that. You dont just.. make a few mistakes, say you learned and it's over.
You start learning and you never stop. I'm glad I can make that realization now.
Now, I guess this is a good time to tell about my..well. Let's just get to it huh?
I talked to him. It was weird. I'm still not sure if there IS somebody out there listening, but.. I did.
I didnt have an epiphany, I didnt feel a phantom draft or anything life changing. But I felt a little better after I spilled the beans.
To claify any confusion, I'm not agnostic. I DO believe in a higher power.
I mean, if I can believe in blood on the moon, or the power of dreams, then surely I can believe in god.
I dont find any fault in people who believ,and I find myself jealous somtimes because they have something they believe in so much.
I thanked him for letting my niece have such a great christmas and that my sisters wake up safe every morning.
I didnt ask for forgiveness because, frankly. I dont think I would be ready to be forgiven. Not yet.
I just thanked him and asked him to continue protecting them. That's all.
I feel selfish sometimes. Like when I look at the sentences above, all of them start with "I"
It may be reacing a bit but I know people who have more reason to be upset than I do.
But here I am. There are people who live with people who cant stand them, then try to take it back. Then there are those who suffer because of others selfishness.And I'm upset because.. who knows. But I guess you gotta have your days right? Wow, this is definately a smorgasbord of topics. But I dont really take that much time to reflect so this is my alottment.I have a little more on my mind but, I just.. I guess what they say is true. Rome wasnt built in one day.Take it one day at a time and be flexible when things come your way. Thanks for reading. Love you.
P.S. I dont really mind when you talk about religion. It's not a taboo subject with me. Just so you know.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Saturday, December 30, 2006
The Xmas way
Beth's stocking
Me and Beth, being Santa
The Tree!!
Mine.
And the babys. Man, xmas was good this year. I had fun.Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Thursday, November 30, 2006
The Lifeline
The Lifeline
She stands in front of the mirror, eyes full of pain and rage.
The music pulses a staccato beat around her, filling her head. Wrapping her in a maelstom of energy.
The only working lights flicker overhead, casting long shadows over the slate gray walls.
Illegitimate scribblings on the mirror, garbage strewn as if a hurricane had torn through.
A roach scrabbles for purchase, scurrying across the cracked linoleum floor, hiding from the light.
Transfixed, she stares at her reflection for what seems an eternity. Staring. Waiting.
Swaying to the beating in her head, face blank but for those knowing eyes.
Alone, she struggles to breathe. Chest heaving, fighting for each lungful of breath.
The pounding music rises to an ear shattering cresendo, yanking her back to reality.
The acrid strench of the previous occupants hovering in the air. Their last breath.
Cat eyes glaring back at some unknown level of torment, narrowing with each passing second.
Fingers clutch the stained porcelain sink, knuckles turning white as the memories she shuns flash in front of her.
Silence becomes overwhelming, roaring in her ears.
Fists flying as if propelled by some unseen hand, the mirror crashes from it's place on the wall and falls to the floor.
The glass shatters on the floor, pieces twinkling merrily.
A few shards of glass is all that is left on the frame, jagged and perfect in size.
For what, only one could guess. Not her.
Grabbing the cold, empty shard she holds it up to the blinking light.
Once again the pounding beat lulls her steady hand, the writhing bodies so close but completely unaware of her intentions.
Cold steel and ice part the tender flesh, leaving a crimson trail to which a single tear fell.
Again and again the steel and ice did their thing. Unfeeling yet precise.
As fast as it had come, the fury ended abrubtly.
Shivering on the floor, cold yet numb at the same time.
Pulling herself up to a standing position, she caught a glimpse of herself in the remains of the mirror.
Rage and hurt and isoloation funneled out of her, erupting as if a dam had broken.
Screaming, she grabbed the closest shard che could and unleashed the beast inside.
Piece by piece, a sable halo begun its descent to finally spread around her feet.
Hacking and chopping as fast as she could, she finally was satisfied with what she had.
Fingers bloodied by the onslaught, she stretched out her arm.
Gasping for breath, she picked up the last shard and peered at herself.
No longer were there frightened eyes, shifting as if seeing ghosts from her past.
Her eyes were now a clear green, similar to that of a cat.
Unblinking, a grin spread across her face, a face that no longer looked familiar, almost evil.
She tossed the shard back onto the pile of her once crowning glory, scoffed in the mirror.
Slowly, but with intent purpose, she strode to the door.
Pausing, she looked back at the chaos repressed memories had caused.
Taking it all in she could finally breathe.
Satisfied that she was no longer hiding she left that tiny room and joined the writhing bodies in the middle of the room.
The pulsing beat of the music slowly becoming one with her own heartbeat.
Moving farther away from that tiny hole, the iron chains loosened, farther and farther until it was just a speck.
And she never once looked back.
*ok, what do you think?* Personally, I love this one. It reminds me of me.. *wink*
She stands in front of the mirror, eyes full of pain and rage.
The music pulses a staccato beat around her, filling her head. Wrapping her in a maelstom of energy.
The only working lights flicker overhead, casting long shadows over the slate gray walls.
Illegitimate scribblings on the mirror, garbage strewn as if a hurricane had torn through.
A roach scrabbles for purchase, scurrying across the cracked linoleum floor, hiding from the light.
Transfixed, she stares at her reflection for what seems an eternity. Staring. Waiting.
Swaying to the beating in her head, face blank but for those knowing eyes.
Alone, she struggles to breathe. Chest heaving, fighting for each lungful of breath.
The pounding music rises to an ear shattering cresendo, yanking her back to reality.
The acrid strench of the previous occupants hovering in the air. Their last breath.
Cat eyes glaring back at some unknown level of torment, narrowing with each passing second.
Fingers clutch the stained porcelain sink, knuckles turning white as the memories she shuns flash in front of her.
Silence becomes overwhelming, roaring in her ears.
Fists flying as if propelled by some unseen hand, the mirror crashes from it's place on the wall and falls to the floor.
The glass shatters on the floor, pieces twinkling merrily.
A few shards of glass is all that is left on the frame, jagged and perfect in size.
For what, only one could guess. Not her.
Grabbing the cold, empty shard she holds it up to the blinking light.
Once again the pounding beat lulls her steady hand, the writhing bodies so close but completely unaware of her intentions.
Cold steel and ice part the tender flesh, leaving a crimson trail to which a single tear fell.
Again and again the steel and ice did their thing. Unfeeling yet precise.
As fast as it had come, the fury ended abrubtly.
Shivering on the floor, cold yet numb at the same time.
Pulling herself up to a standing position, she caught a glimpse of herself in the remains of the mirror.
Rage and hurt and isoloation funneled out of her, erupting as if a dam had broken.
Screaming, she grabbed the closest shard che could and unleashed the beast inside.
Piece by piece, a sable halo begun its descent to finally spread around her feet.
Hacking and chopping as fast as she could, she finally was satisfied with what she had.
Fingers bloodied by the onslaught, she stretched out her arm.
Gasping for breath, she picked up the last shard and peered at herself.
No longer were there frightened eyes, shifting as if seeing ghosts from her past.
Her eyes were now a clear green, similar to that of a cat.
Unblinking, a grin spread across her face, a face that no longer looked familiar, almost evil.
She tossed the shard back onto the pile of her once crowning glory, scoffed in the mirror.
Slowly, but with intent purpose, she strode to the door.
Pausing, she looked back at the chaos repressed memories had caused.
Taking it all in she could finally breathe.
Satisfied that she was no longer hiding she left that tiny room and joined the writhing bodies in the middle of the room.
The pulsing beat of the music slowly becoming one with her own heartbeat.
Moving farther away from that tiny hole, the iron chains loosened, farther and farther until it was just a speck.
And she never once looked back.
*ok, what do you think?* Personally, I love this one. It reminds me of me.. *wink*
Monday, November 27, 2006
Things I'm thankful for pt. 2
These are the things that I tend to take for granted but am actually thankful for the most.
1.) A roof over my head that keeps me and my family warm at night.
2.) Food
3.) A working car that actually can get us from point A to point B
4.) A warm bed to sleep in at night
5.) Clothes because me naked.. not a pretty sight
6.) For the people who give endlessly and ask for nothing in return.
7.) For the people who put up with me and still find it within themselves to love me no matter what I say.
8.) My niece, she wakes up laughing every day and is an all around blast to be with.
1.) A roof over my head that keeps me and my family warm at night.
2.) Food
3.) A working car that actually can get us from point A to point B
4.) A warm bed to sleep in at night
5.) Clothes because me naked.. not a pretty sight
6.) For the people who give endlessly and ask for nothing in return.
7.) For the people who put up with me and still find it within themselves to love me no matter what I say.
8.) My niece, she wakes up laughing every day and is an all around blast to be with.
Things I am grateful for
I know this is a little late but you know what they say, better late than never.
1.) Family: The three crazy and best sisters I'd ask for. Yes, they may be odd and might make me irritated from time to time but they are still mine.
2.) Music: AFI, Skillet, Blessed Union of Souls, Bush, Fall Out Boy... the list could go on.
3.) Friends: The ones I've had since I was little, the older ones and the newer ones.
4.) Rainstorms: they are refreshing and uplifting after a long dry spell.
4.) Art: The ones that make you stop and think for a second and the ones that are just there as eye candy.
5.) Beaches: Nothing better than taking off to the beach to sit and watch the sunset.
6.) Stars: A wonder to lay on the grass and stare up at the neverending sky filled with dreams.
7.) Laughter: The kind that makes you giggle and then roll on the floor with tears streaming down your face.
8.) Cats: The ones who wake you up in the middle of the night just so you will pet them, and the ones who wake you up to purr in your ear when a nightmare wont quit.
9.) Woodfires: The ones that seem to burn when you are at your lonliness and remind you of good times.
10.) Body pillows: The ones you pile all around you so you can have your own little nest.
1.) Family: The three crazy and best sisters I'd ask for. Yes, they may be odd and might make me irritated from time to time but they are still mine.
2.) Music: AFI, Skillet, Blessed Union of Souls, Bush, Fall Out Boy... the list could go on.
3.) Friends: The ones I've had since I was little, the older ones and the newer ones.
4.) Rainstorms: they are refreshing and uplifting after a long dry spell.
4.) Art: The ones that make you stop and think for a second and the ones that are just there as eye candy.
5.) Beaches: Nothing better than taking off to the beach to sit and watch the sunset.
6.) Stars: A wonder to lay on the grass and stare up at the neverending sky filled with dreams.
7.) Laughter: The kind that makes you giggle and then roll on the floor with tears streaming down your face.
8.) Cats: The ones who wake you up in the middle of the night just so you will pet them, and the ones who wake you up to purr in your ear when a nightmare wont quit.
9.) Woodfires: The ones that seem to burn when you are at your lonliness and remind you of good times.
10.) Body pillows: The ones you pile all around you so you can have your own little nest.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Ooh, lets play a game!!
I don't know why, but for the past week everytime I have a moment memories of my grandma keep coming back to me. Like this one time, she was pulling me around the kitchen by my hair because I said something to her. I don'd remember exactly what it was but apparently she didn't like it. So she was smaking me around and I keep seeing my sister screaming at grandma to stop but she kept going. Yelling at me and cussing at me. Then Beth started screaming for grandpa to come and make her stop. I don't really know why this keeps coming back but I seriously wish it would stop. And another time is when I was in elementary school. I think it was fourth or fifth grade or somewhere around there. Anyways, my grandma was pissed off at me because I forgot to do the dishes and so she chased me around the island in the kitchen screaming at me and trying to grab the back of my shirt. I barely got away from her though, but I did. But the next day I was talking to the school councilor (who is a good friend of mine) and I told her what happened. Whats sad is that I was excited that I had gotten away from her. Who does that? I dont know, but I dont get the people in my family. They all waste their time telling me that they didnt like the way that she treated my sister and I. but yet they stood back and did NOTHING. They may have said to stop being so mean a couple times but she kept on doing it and they kept turning their backs. If they were truly sorry then they should have done something. Is it that mentality where you dont mess with other peoples kids? Cuz if it is then that rule needs to be thrown out as soon as possible.
Hmm.. does she or doesnt she?
"What are you thinking?" she asked, but how was I supposed to tell her what I was thinking when I didn't even know myself? "Hmm" came the usual reply. Most of the time, that grunted reply meant I was thinking about something and I didnt know how to explain it. And I suppose today is no exception. I guess a small part of me was wondering how she could care for me. Did she actually love me or is she one of those people who have too big of a heart and loves everybody? Somebody like me? I guess I'm one of those people who wear my heart on my sleeve for everybody to see. Most often than not it gets me into trouble. But I'm hoping that I'm not another somebody who gets a generic "I love you" I hate those the worst. If they dont mean it and they tell me, it kinda makes me think I'm not good enough to have somebody REALLY love me. hmm.. I know I tend to overthink sometimes but I dont really want to take that chance and invest in something that may or may not go well.
Paper bags and molten diseases.
I can't seem to get you out of my mind, everytime I close my eyes your face looms in front of me
Everytime I try to find the answers I find more questions. Wonder what I did wrong?
Parents are supposed to love their children. But you, you chose your alcohol and let us go.
You say your sorry now, but what about then?
They say we were brought in with only paper bags holding all of our belongings. All of it.
Moving from place to place we just wanted one home. One family.
But you ruined us. Parents aren't supposed to do that to us.
Do you hurt? Everytime you think of us?
I wonder what it's like to know you gave up your babies for a temporary high.
Well, the past is the past. You can't change it. I wouldn't want to go back.
They know more than I do. I was so young, but then I had a refresher course after I left.
Did you know what they did? Do you even care?
Of course you do. We're your babies. Parents love their children.
Well, in case you didnt know. They did the same thing.
Oh, the irony. Ha, can't you see it?
It's like a disease, this thing that calls to you. It consuming and only the strong can face the fire.
We got moved away from all our siblings. We barely had any contact over the years.
You see, when you gave us away you severed the already fragile ties that bonded us.
But you had to have the last word. You always did.
Can you tell me how many of us got a real home?
Can you tell me how many of us found a home with people who loved us?
We may have been able to have a happy childhood if only you hadn't been so selfish.
If only you had made an adult decision for once in your booze soaked and drug fogged life.
Maybe then we could have been happy.
Do you know how hard it is for some of us to say the words " I love you" without cringing?
Do you know how hard it is to lay awake at night and NOT be afraid of whats in the shadows?
No, I dont think you do. You took it all away from us.
But if anything, there is one thing you gave us that we can use.
We can take that knowledge that you so unselfishly gave to us, and we can make things better for ourselves and OUR children.
It's over for you now, we've come out with scars but we've come out fighting.
Some of our scars will fade with time and love.
But many of our scars go straight to the bone, they're too big to heal.
Even time wont be able to fix some of our hurts.
But think of it this way. Your babies are strong.
If we can get through that, and then some. Then we can get through anything.
So goodbye, I'm sorry that you made bad decisions regarding little ones.
But we're strong.
Everytime I try to find the answers I find more questions. Wonder what I did wrong?
Parents are supposed to love their children. But you, you chose your alcohol and let us go.
You say your sorry now, but what about then?
They say we were brought in with only paper bags holding all of our belongings. All of it.
Moving from place to place we just wanted one home. One family.
But you ruined us. Parents aren't supposed to do that to us.
Do you hurt? Everytime you think of us?
I wonder what it's like to know you gave up your babies for a temporary high.
Well, the past is the past. You can't change it. I wouldn't want to go back.
They know more than I do. I was so young, but then I had a refresher course after I left.
Did you know what they did? Do you even care?
Of course you do. We're your babies. Parents love their children.
Well, in case you didnt know. They did the same thing.
Oh, the irony. Ha, can't you see it?
It's like a disease, this thing that calls to you. It consuming and only the strong can face the fire.
We got moved away from all our siblings. We barely had any contact over the years.
You see, when you gave us away you severed the already fragile ties that bonded us.
But you had to have the last word. You always did.
Can you tell me how many of us got a real home?
Can you tell me how many of us found a home with people who loved us?
We may have been able to have a happy childhood if only you hadn't been so selfish.
If only you had made an adult decision for once in your booze soaked and drug fogged life.
Maybe then we could have been happy.
Do you know how hard it is for some of us to say the words " I love you" without cringing?
Do you know how hard it is to lay awake at night and NOT be afraid of whats in the shadows?
No, I dont think you do. You took it all away from us.
But if anything, there is one thing you gave us that we can use.
We can take that knowledge that you so unselfishly gave to us, and we can make things better for ourselves and OUR children.
It's over for you now, we've come out with scars but we've come out fighting.
Some of our scars will fade with time and love.
But many of our scars go straight to the bone, they're too big to heal.
Even time wont be able to fix some of our hurts.
But think of it this way. Your babies are strong.
If we can get through that, and then some. Then we can get through anything.
So goodbye, I'm sorry that you made bad decisions regarding little ones.
But we're strong.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
For the angels waiting in the dark
The fury of the storm died down to a dull roar.
Things have not been resolved, she has only succumbed to the cruelty that is fate.
Cast aside, like an old rag doll who's owner tired of her and tossed her out.
Laying in the corner, she lay limp and wondered "what now"
Everytime she opened her eyes the dawn seemed even farther than when it started.
Hope dwindling to nothing, faster and faster she fell till it seemed to never end.
But, in the advancing darkness she heard a voice.
Like bells chiming in the breeze, it was distant but there nonetheless.
"Anytime you feel you cant hold on, when the darkness gets darker,close your eyes and I'll be there."
But even as those words were spoken, a shadow fell across the floor.
In the distance, thunder rumbled and lightening flashed across the inky sky.
Fear threatend to choke her, chills racing up her spine.
Should she try and run or stand her ground and face her demon?
Door pounding and walls shaking, she shrank back as the door slowly creaked it's way open.
His shadow filled the small empty room like a giant standing in a closet.
Overwhelming and terrifying, he stood there. Quiet. Waiting.
She tried to blend into the walls, hoping against hopes that she could melt into the floor.
Or perhaps he would forget his intent and turn around.
Advancing with the silence and determination of a predatory animal, he came.
Closer and closer until she could feel the fetid breath on her face, hear the ragged breathing.
"Dont even try and fight me. You know you won't win"
With those words uttered, she felt the fight in her start to wane.
She began to weaken, her defenses crumbled with those few words.
He laughed as he saw the surrender in her face, in the subtle way her shoulders slumped.
"Dont you dare give up!" Once again she heard the bells somewhere in the distance.
She felt a soft tug at her arm but when she looked there was nothing there.
She closed her eyes and focused on the voice that had become comforting in these dark days.
"I told you I'd be there whenever you needed me"
And with that, things shifted and she felt a warmth spread through her like nothing she had felt before.
Invisible arms lifted her from her haphazard position on the floor and stood her on her feet.
Moving as if in slow motion, her demon stepped back as if shocked at her sudden transformation.
She looked him straight in the eye, saying not a word. She didn't need to. It was all in her face.
A thousand emotions fleeting through her eyes, she stood her ground even as he advanced.
But this time she had the strength to do what she needed to survive.
She reached out and he stopped as if invisible strings were attached.
"No." Only one word uttered and that's all it took.
The look in her eyes made him stop and for a brief second, fear crossed his beer fogged eyes.
"You won't get away with this, one of these times you wont expect it and I'll be there" but even as he spoke those words, he was retreating from the room.
There was no heat in his words. They were empty, meant to scare.
But this time she wasnt afraid. She had time and love on her side.
Something he had long forgotten, it had been too long in his beer soaked years that he couldnt begin to recover.
Footsteps retreated out the door and down the hallway. Silent as if afraid of making a wrong sound.
Opening her now closed eyes, she looked up into a shining face.
A face filled with love and nothing but kindness for her angel in waiting.
*Ok, I know the ending was a little off but I think it's a good ending for it. At least for now, maybe I'll think of something else to end it with. Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think? Cass*
Things have not been resolved, she has only succumbed to the cruelty that is fate.
Cast aside, like an old rag doll who's owner tired of her and tossed her out.
Laying in the corner, she lay limp and wondered "what now"
Everytime she opened her eyes the dawn seemed even farther than when it started.
Hope dwindling to nothing, faster and faster she fell till it seemed to never end.
But, in the advancing darkness she heard a voice.
Like bells chiming in the breeze, it was distant but there nonetheless.
"Anytime you feel you cant hold on, when the darkness gets darker,close your eyes and I'll be there."
But even as those words were spoken, a shadow fell across the floor.
In the distance, thunder rumbled and lightening flashed across the inky sky.
Fear threatend to choke her, chills racing up her spine.
Should she try and run or stand her ground and face her demon?
Door pounding and walls shaking, she shrank back as the door slowly creaked it's way open.
His shadow filled the small empty room like a giant standing in a closet.
Overwhelming and terrifying, he stood there. Quiet. Waiting.
She tried to blend into the walls, hoping against hopes that she could melt into the floor.
Or perhaps he would forget his intent and turn around.
Advancing with the silence and determination of a predatory animal, he came.
Closer and closer until she could feel the fetid breath on her face, hear the ragged breathing.
"Dont even try and fight me. You know you won't win"
With those words uttered, she felt the fight in her start to wane.
She began to weaken, her defenses crumbled with those few words.
He laughed as he saw the surrender in her face, in the subtle way her shoulders slumped.
"Dont you dare give up!" Once again she heard the bells somewhere in the distance.
She felt a soft tug at her arm but when she looked there was nothing there.
She closed her eyes and focused on the voice that had become comforting in these dark days.
"I told you I'd be there whenever you needed me"
And with that, things shifted and she felt a warmth spread through her like nothing she had felt before.
Invisible arms lifted her from her haphazard position on the floor and stood her on her feet.
Moving as if in slow motion, her demon stepped back as if shocked at her sudden transformation.
She looked him straight in the eye, saying not a word. She didn't need to. It was all in her face.
A thousand emotions fleeting through her eyes, she stood her ground even as he advanced.
But this time she had the strength to do what she needed to survive.
She reached out and he stopped as if invisible strings were attached.
"No." Only one word uttered and that's all it took.
The look in her eyes made him stop and for a brief second, fear crossed his beer fogged eyes.
"You won't get away with this, one of these times you wont expect it and I'll be there" but even as he spoke those words, he was retreating from the room.
There was no heat in his words. They were empty, meant to scare.
But this time she wasnt afraid. She had time and love on her side.
Something he had long forgotten, it had been too long in his beer soaked years that he couldnt begin to recover.
Footsteps retreated out the door and down the hallway. Silent as if afraid of making a wrong sound.
Opening her now closed eyes, she looked up into a shining face.
A face filled with love and nothing but kindness for her angel in waiting.
*Ok, I know the ending was a little off but I think it's a good ending for it. At least for now, maybe I'll think of something else to end it with. Thanks for reading. Let me know what you think? Cass*
Syrupy baristas and maniacal kittens
Ok, to my fellow San Diegans.. watch out on the roads cuz it's fricken raining!! Yes, I was so excited to go out to the car and have rain getting me in the eye. I cant tell you how long it's been since it last rained and seeing as I'm originally from rainy Oregon, it was missed. But, the reason I was going out at eleven at night, was to go on a coffee run. You see, I've been sadly and (lovingly) addicted to Starbucks since I moved here. So there I was at the window and the barista (who was a perky blond who I dont mind at all) noticed the rain on my window and asked if it was raining. I replied " yeah it's been for a little bit now" and the next part still makes me laugh. "shut the fuck up!" Said exclamation was not intended to offend and I didnt take it that way. She was so excited that it was raining that she was jumping up and down at the window like a little child. It was kinda cute to be truthful because that's exactly how I felt when I noticed it. So anyways, she handed me my "venti vanilla mocha with whip and an add shot please" and instead of the usual boring white cup, she handed me a bright, cheery red cup with snowflakes on it. Immediately it made me excited because I realized how soon christmas is coming and as most of my family knows, I adore christmas. Not because of said presents or the whole shopping thing (which nobody likes unless they tend to lean on the masochistic side), but because when I was living in Incestacadia it meant snow and the annual "christmas light competition" with my neighbors. Ah, I'd give anything to be back home for christmas in my former home and putting up christmas lights. I think that may have been my most favorite part of then was the cheery feeling and all the decorations. Alas, I'm not there.. I'm here. But I've heard that it's not where you are but who you're with so we'll see on that one. But, on with the ramblings shall we? Oh, Fish.. I'm so excited. My internet connector is actually letting me on this time! How exciting is that? Lol, ok maybe not that exciting but hey.. at least I can sit in bed listening to KELLY CLARKSON because somebody's back is in a funk again. Hopefully it'll be gone by the time I wake up tomorrow. Ok, I think this blog is getting a little off topic (hehe, I make myself laugh), so I'm going to say goodnight to whomever is reading this. Good night, more randomness-ness to come. Oh, Fish. I wanted to see how you would react to this comment " I'm about as maniacal as a box of kittens." That always makes me laugh and I said it to Beth this evening and she laughed her ass off. Ok, I'm leaving.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Purple people eaters and rabid chipmunks
Hmm, so I had this crazy dream last night and I remembered it all until I try to remember it. Crazy eh? I know it was odd enough for me to want to write about it but now.. who knows. Oh well, that reminds me of a seriously crazy dream I had the other day about my cousin. I dont remember exactly all that was said but good grief, that was some strange shit. She told me something I REALLY didnt want to know and then right after that, she said "I'm not the purple people eater anymore" that refers to said comment before that. It was kinda funny because I woke up giggling. Hehe, but anyways..
Friday, November 10, 2006
A perfect world
A Perfect World
by yours truly
I close my eyes at night,
Try to imagine a perfect world,
A world where I can stand on my own,
Where people are treated with respect and love,
A world where people understand me
And don't just talk to hear themselves.
"I'm here for you" but I open my eyes,
And all I see is this, a world full of pain,Full of deceit, people lying everyday.
They don't understand me--they think they do.
I feel so alone standing in a faceless crowd,
Standing there looking for a friendly face.
I'm suffocating on all these lies,
Why don't they just go away?
This world is nothing to me, not anymore,
Just millions of shattered dreams, lies.
People broken down to pieces so much like me.
I want to make them see, to stand up again,
But I'm held down by life or what's left,I'm left trying to find a perfect world.
OK, I wrote this a few years ago when I was living with my aunt and I felt like complete crap about where I was. And the thing that bothered me most about people is that they tried to get close just so they could figure out what was wrong, which in retrospect is the cause of most of it. Ironic huh? I just got tired of hearing her talk all the time just so she can have her say in what didn't directly involve her in the first place. Angry, you say? Probably a little, I'd been moved away from the place that I had lived since I was a little kid and I left my best friend behind. And even though there were horrible memories there and I should have been grateful to get out, it still hurt to be ripped away from the place that I grew up. In a way I guess I'm glad I got out of there because I wouldn't have gone to the best school, I wouldn't have graduated because my councilors didn't care about me, and I certainly wouldn't have learned a few things about life that I use all the time. I still feel like this world is imperfect and that people talk to hear themselves all the time, but I know enough now to take what they say with a grain of sand and not worry about what they think because I have to take care of myself now. I don't really have many friends because too many people these days are friend whores if you will, they only care about quantity and I can see right through that. But the few friends I do have are the best and they've stood by me when things got tough.
by yours truly
I close my eyes at night,
Try to imagine a perfect world,
A world where I can stand on my own,
Where people are treated with respect and love,
A world where people understand me
And don't just talk to hear themselves.
"I'm here for you" but I open my eyes,
And all I see is this, a world full of pain,Full of deceit, people lying everyday.
They don't understand me--they think they do.
I feel so alone standing in a faceless crowd,
Standing there looking for a friendly face.
I'm suffocating on all these lies,
Why don't they just go away?
This world is nothing to me, not anymore,
Just millions of shattered dreams, lies.
People broken down to pieces so much like me.
I want to make them see, to stand up again,
But I'm held down by life or what's left,I'm left trying to find a perfect world.
OK, I wrote this a few years ago when I was living with my aunt and I felt like complete crap about where I was. And the thing that bothered me most about people is that they tried to get close just so they could figure out what was wrong, which in retrospect is the cause of most of it. Ironic huh? I just got tired of hearing her talk all the time just so she can have her say in what didn't directly involve her in the first place. Angry, you say? Probably a little, I'd been moved away from the place that I had lived since I was a little kid and I left my best friend behind. And even though there were horrible memories there and I should have been grateful to get out, it still hurt to be ripped away from the place that I grew up. In a way I guess I'm glad I got out of there because I wouldn't have gone to the best school, I wouldn't have graduated because my councilors didn't care about me, and I certainly wouldn't have learned a few things about life that I use all the time. I still feel like this world is imperfect and that people talk to hear themselves all the time, but I know enough now to take what they say with a grain of sand and not worry about what they think because I have to take care of myself now. I don't really have many friends because too many people these days are friend whores if you will, they only care about quantity and I can see right through that. But the few friends I do have are the best and they've stood by me when things got tough.
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