I havent been able to write much lately. It's like everytime I put my fingers on the keyboard, something blocks me.
I've got lots of things to say, that I need to say. But I just catn seem to get it out. You know?
It's the same thing as it always is. Depression, being stuck here while everybody else is out having fun.
It's not exactly fun to have a Ms. Gloom and Doom hanging around. That's what I've become. It's weird, I was always saying how this one person is always so bleak and negative.
And here I am doing the same thing. Maybe that's why I go away for a bit somtimes.
I dont want anybody to have to deal with that. Especially from me.
I had two of my sisters worried about me because they hadnt heard from me, I actually didnt mean to avoid them.
I keep losing my phon. I realize writing that, it sounds pretty lame. And I dont blame you if you dont believe me because I always say that.
Truth be told, I dont really love to talk on the phone all that much. I mean sure, it's great for keeping intouch with people you dont see all the time.
But I think that I would only willingly answer the phone if it were one of my sisters.
I love talking to them. My oldest sister never fails to amuse me or make me laugh with something her kids did or she did.
Hidden food anyone? And she reminds me of a lot of things I might have forgotten, like she told me about this one song that I used to come home and sing to her.
It was a song I learned in headstart. It's funny when you find out new things about yourself or that you had put away.
I mean, it's not spectacular in anyway. I didnt cure cancer. But it's nice to know that people remember the smallest things, and that means the most.
Sigh. The typer thing is blinking at me. I've been thinking of new subject to paint. I'm pretty excited about it actually. I wont spoilthefinishedproductbytelling you what it'll look like but. It has meaning to me.
Odd how you feel like the world is crashing down on you one minute but when you take a moment to relfect and clear your head.
It just seems so trivial afterward. But that's life. It's the ups and downs, the memories. The good and the bad. I'm learning that.
I've got along way to go because I'm just starting out. I've got years and years to go. Lots of mistakes and good memories to me made.
I'm excited for that. You dont just.. make a few mistakes, say you learned and it's over.
You start learning and you never stop. I'm glad I can make that realization now.
Now, I guess this is a good time to tell about my..well. Let's just get to it huh?
I talked to him. It was weird. I'm still not sure if there IS somebody out there listening, but.. I did.
I didnt have an epiphany, I didnt feel a phantom draft or anything life changing. But I felt a little better after I spilled the beans.
To claify any confusion, I'm not agnostic. I DO believe in a higher power.
I mean, if I can believe in blood on the moon, or the power of dreams, then surely I can believe in god.
I dont find any fault in people who believ,and I find myself jealous somtimes because they have something they believe in so much.
I thanked him for letting my niece have such a great christmas and that my sisters wake up safe every morning.
I didnt ask for forgiveness because, frankly. I dont think I would be ready to be forgiven. Not yet.
I just thanked him and asked him to continue protecting them. That's all.
I feel selfish sometimes. Like when I look at the sentences above, all of them start with "I"
It may be reacing a bit but I know people who have more reason to be upset than I do.
But here I am. There are people who live with people who cant stand them, then try to take it back. Then there are those who suffer because of others selfishness.And I'm upset because.. who knows. But I guess you gotta have your days right? Wow, this is definately a smorgasbord of topics. But I dont really take that much time to reflect so this is my alottment.I have a little more on my mind but, I just.. I guess what they say is true. Rome wasnt built in one day.Take it one day at a time and be flexible when things come your way. Thanks for reading. Love you.
P.S. I dont really mind when you talk about religion. It's not a taboo subject with me. Just so you know.